I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
