I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
