A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
