Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
