Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
