Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
