No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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