I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Green mimosas i think yes
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
NoShamevember. You game?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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