If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
