The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
