Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it glows. i had to have it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
