did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I will pee on everything he values.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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