rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
