So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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