I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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