So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
