I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
