I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
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