he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
