we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
