Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
