Do you still have your period?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
