I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
