did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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