the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My vagina just recognized that song.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
