I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
