Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
