Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
