I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
