When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
