once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
