she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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