Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think my moral compass just broke
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
