i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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