Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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