it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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