I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
