Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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