maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
