I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
