i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
