I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
