My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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