wrigley field is MILF paradise
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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