i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
