My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
