When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
