the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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