He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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