and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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