i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Houston, we have a squirter
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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