i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
